How to be healthy according to science

Everyone wants to live a long and healthy life. I wanted to help you do that so I gathered information and research results from scientific studies all over the internet to find what you should do to live a life free from heart disease, cancer, and other illnesses that will kill you.

Here’s what I found:

Don’t drink coffee. Coffee is bad for your heart and it is also addictive. Research suggests that coffee consumption is linked to heart disease, high blood pressure, headaches, and insomnia – which are in turn linked to anxiety, depression, stress, and a whole host of health outcomes which are themselves linked to heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and death.

Coffee is basically poison, and research also suggests that coffee can help your liver function, prevent Type 2 diabetes, and slow cognitive decline. Drink coffee, lots of coffee. In fact, a recent study found that that the more coffee a person drinks the less likely they are to die.

Coffee also contains antioxidants. And antioxidants are good because they control free radicals which cause cell damage and mess with your DNA, which results in cancer which will kill you. Take an antioxidant supplement. A good antioxidant to take is resveratrol. Resveratrol is the magic ingredient that makes red wine healthy for you. Drink two glasses of red wine a day. According to research, red wine and resveratrol consumption can help prevent heart disease, cancer, and all-cause mortality, and also that resveratrol consumption has absolutely no positive impact on rates of heart disease, cancer, or all-cause mortality. One of the leading researchers to show the benefits of red wine was found guilty of more than 145 counts of fabrication and falsification of data.

Too many antioxidants may result in antioxidant stress and speed the growth of cancer cells. Don’t take an antioxidant supplement and don’t bother with red wine. Unless you’re drinking it for the benefits of alcohol. Alcohol in moderation can reduce your risk of heart disease, diabetes, and stroke, as well as improve brain function and stave off the common cold. Research also shows that light drinkers are less likely to get cancer than non drinkers, and also that even a little bit of alcohol will kill you and your whole family with liver disease and an eclectic array of cancers including liver, throat, and mouth. Alcohol also makes you more likely to get into a fight because someone cheated at charades — which can cause injury — and to make you get on the bar to do the Hammer Time dance, fall off, and split your lip on a chair. Don’t drink alcohol.

Drink tea instead. Research suggests that tea may reduce your risk of heart attack and stroke, and improve immunity and cognitive function. Tea also helps bone density except when it causes brittle bones and teeth. Drinking a lot of tea is also associated with an increased risk of prostate cancer in men, and hot tea may cause esophageal cancer. Drink water instead. Spring water is full of minerals but bottles are bad for the planet. Drink tap water. It’s safe. Unless you live in an old house in Toronto where your street pipes might be made of lead.

Get outside and get some sun but stay out of the sun because you’ll die of skin cancer. If you don’t get enough sunlight, take a vitamin D supplement. Research shows that vitamin D supports the immune system and lung function and helps prevent cancer and also has no benefit in the prevention of cancer, cardiovascular disease, heart attacks, strokes or premature death. Multivitamins also have no health benefits, but take one if you don’t get enough nutrients in your diet.

Watch your cholesterol and avoid saturated fats like cheese and butter, as these are well known to be bad and cause heart disease, and cholesterol isn’t actually bad and saturated fat is good for you says a recent study, so eat lots of cheese and butter and don’t eat vegetable oil because it causes inflammation and also eat vegetable oil because it doesn’t cause inflammation. Limit your consumption of fats and red meat and eat fat and red meat, because science says it was wrong about that. Eat soy because it prevents cardiovascular disease and cancer and don’t eat soy because it causes breast cancer and if you’re a man it will make you grow boobs. These are also known as “moobs.” Take a fish oil supplement, because research says fish oil supplements prevent heart disease and cancer and also don’t take fish oil supplements because research says they’re at best useless and at worst may cause aggressive prostate cancer.

Don’t be smoke cigarettes because those things will definitely kill you – unless you live in this remote Italian village where as of 2016 there were 300 centenarians living, most of whom were smokers.

According to research this advice will help you live a long and healthy life unless it doesn’t.

I hope this has been helpful!