Don’t try these at home: The best, worst, and Canadian pick-up lines

I say right in the title not to try these at home. That’s not because they’re risky. These pick-up lines are copulatory gold. It’s just that the people at home are your family. You shouldn’t use pick-up lines on your family. Use them in bars.

I’ve never been a pick up artist. I’m too sentimental for one-night stands. Of course, I’m happily married now (he hastened to add), but even when I was single, I wasn’t much for hooking up. I would have been too shy to try a ‘pick-up line’ at any rate.

So what gives me the authority to catalogue them here? I’m been collecting the best pick-up lines for years. No, I am not planning ahead for the inevitable failure of my marriage (he hastened to add – my wife reads this blog.)

I have a long-term working relationship with a translator who loves bad pick-up lines. So at the various websites I’ve worked for over the years, whenever I reach out to her for some emergency translation work, I always quote her the rate that it pays and throw in at least one (depends on the word-count and complexity) new bad pick-up line as a bonus.

Now, I feel bad hoarding this treasure trove of fabulous flirtations, wasted on me (happily married as I am.) So for all you singles out there this weekend, here is the mother load (so to speak) of pick-up lines, the good, the bad, and the obscene.

Let’s start off local.

Classic Canadian pick up lines

    Hi there, I’m Zam. Would you like to go for a ride on a Zam-boner?

    My wife calls me Gordie Wow!
    Oh, wait. Never mind. Pro tip: don’t mention your wife in a pick up line.

    Are you a beaver? I’ve got some wood.

    Are you a beaver? Because dam!

    Something about beaver tails… hang on, it’ll come to me.

    (Also, something about a large double double.)

    Are you a maple tree? Because I’d tap you…

    I said, ‘Would you like a PUCK?’

    Can I roll up your rim?
    (This doesn’t really make sense, but if you say it right.)

    Are you from Regina? Because I’d like to…
    (Scratch that. Abort. Do not use.)

Pick up lines with an international sophistication

    Are you Jamaican? Because ja makin’ me crazy!

    Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see.

    Are you from Georgia? Because you just look so Georgeous…

    You must be African. Because Ah frikken love you.

    Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.

Pick up lines for the sexy geeks

    If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.

    Is there Wi-Fi in here? Because I definitely feel a connection.

    I wish you were broadband, so I could get high-speed access.

    It’s not 3.5 inches, and it’s not floppy.
    (Millennials won’t get this one. Gen X and older only.)

    You must be a keyboard, because you’re just my type.

    Do you secretly have eight legs? Because you octopi my thoughts…

    Want to seize the day? Because Carpe damn you look good!

    Are you really into classical music? Cause baby got Bach!

    I find your lack of nudity disturbing.

Pick-ups for the politically minded

    Are you registered to vote? Because I feel a massive election coming up

    I need you to support the motion of my caucus.

    I’m underrepresented in your pants.

    You’ve made me believe in global warming. It got hotter in here the minute you walked in.

    You must be a conservative. Because you sure are looking right.

    You must be a liberal. You’re giving me a big tent.

Miscellaneous never-fail pick up lines for any situation

    You owe me a drink. Because I dropped mine when you walked in.

    Baby, you must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet.

    Are those pants from outer space? Because your butt is out of this world.

    Can I borrow a kiss? I promise I’ll give it back.

    Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven…

    My mother told me when I met the woman of my dreams, I’d turn to stone. Looking at you, I’m hard already.

    Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

    Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.

    Are you an architect? I forget how this one goes actually, but it’s something about an erection.

    Hey, shag me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Obscuricka?

There it is. The gold collection of romantic ice breakers. You’ll thank me later, when you and your true love are sipping coffee, looking at your grandkids playing on the lawn, and reminiscing how it was one of these lines that brought you together and sparked your connection.

You’re welcome.